Love is the Only Thing

I'm sitting in our living room right now staring out beyond the tree line along the riverbank. Everything is incredibly soggy and wet outside from the rain and winds of yesterday. Part of me feels so empty and hollow, but then a little bit of sunlight begins to peek through the dripping trees, illuminating the tiny dewdrops. Part of me finds comfort in the promise of change. The hope that the days to come will be easier than this last year, and maybe they will be kind to my heart. I hope.

Many didn't know of Charlie's condition. Early April 2014 he began suffering from full grand mal seizures. Witnessing someone you love in the throws of a violent seizure is the most painful thing I've ever been through. As the onlooker, you are completely helpless until the seizure decides to stop. Thrashing, kicking, choking, and loss of complete consciousness.  I wouldn't wish any part of this illness upon anyone.

We began seeing many veterinarians  all of which had different opinions as to what was happening with my Charlie from severe allergies, epilepsy, to brain cancer. It was not until we reached out to a neurologist for treatment that she came to the conclusion that it was in fact a tumor and/or brain cancer he was suffering from. The meds she prescribed helped sweet Charlie go from 12 seizures in a two day period to roughly 2-3. We were able to manage his condition, but never control it.

It was heartbreaking to see that the medications that were prescribed to help him would eventually make him even more sick. Prednisone, a steroid used to take down the swelling in his brain was the one drug that gave us more time with him, but was also the one that was the most harsh. The steroid began eating away at Charlie's muscle mass, causing his tiny body to thin and weaken. He also began showing signs of dementia and internal bleeding. The emergency meds we were given began to become ineffective and I knew our window of time together was getting shorter and shorter.

January 7th, 2015 I had to make a decision I never should have had to make. But as his guardian, I knew there was nothing left on this earth that I could do to fix this. The saying "Let go, and Let God" finally made sense to me. When you have exhausted every option ,every emotion, and even exhausted the very one you love. You let go, and let God.

There is much beyond our control. There is so much that doesn't make sense. There is so much that seems so fucking unfair. But there is an incredible amount of beauty in this world and I am grateful that Charlie wanted to share a little with me. People that do not understand the connection to an animal are missing out on so much of what this life can bring. Pure, sweet, unconditional love.

I thought that losing him would make me bitter and full of anger. Instead, this has made me grow up, love deeply, show more compassion, and not be afraid anymore. I see how fragile life is. It truly is a gift and I am eternally grateful for the love I was given.

I never said goodbye to my sweet Charlie. You never lose the things you love, because love is the only thing that keeps us all connected.

In Memory of my sweet Charlie.

April 4, 2005- January 7,2015