You Have A Choice

I was driving to work this morning rocking out to Made In Heights. A soft spoken chill Euro-pop group I've been diggin' lately. Believe it or not, I come up with most of my great shit when my stereo is blasting my eardrums at 12.  Drowning out the sound of the world and nagging worries.

As you can imagine, I've had a roller coaster of emotions this past month. I have fallen apart. Completely. But only alone. I can't bear the thought of seeing my family, seeing me, and hurting all over again because of dumb cancer. Some days I ask, "Why Me?". I am grateful, I am loving, I am happy with my life. So....."Why Me?". And then I get pissed off.

I slowly pull up to a stop light and see two ladies waiting a bus, standing in the hot Summer sun. One of the ladies catches my attention. She is in her 50's, with weathered skin, her scraggly long hair pulled back. She is wearing a stained  T shirt, rolled up men's jeans and dirty flip flops. She angrily sucks a drag from her cigarette and squints down the road, peering for the bus. She looks hard. Mean.

Some of you may think I'm about to judge this woman. But instead,  I'm reading her. And in turn, learning from her.

No doubt she has been through a lot in her lifetime. Hardships and lessons that has shaped who she is today.

I've been going through the motions of Doctor appointments, advice, and opinions. Some constructive and some not worth a blink. I've been feeling like life was living me. I was not living life. If I want to live I have no choice but to have surgeries, chemo and radiation in my future.
 But I DO have the choice to decide who I will become because of this diagnosis.

Cancer has already changed me. And I feel myself changing everyday. I want to inspire. I want to create. I want to make connections. I want to love. And most of all, I want to be fearless.

And for that.  I am grateful.

Artwork By Liz Huston.
Love her! Some day I hope to own a piece!