Let's Make a Bargain

I don't know what inspiration looks like, but it surely wasn't me this morning. Muscle and stomach cramps at 3am leading to nausea and tears, all before my brain even has a chance to wake up. Ugh.

My last round of chemo was emotionally much easier for me this time, but has been sneakily taking it's toll on me. I'm so ready to feel "normal" again. As normal as I possibly can feel for a woman going through something like this. I just miss having my energy and non-stop-always-need-to-be-creating bug back. That little bug is stuck in the cage in the photo below.

It's difficult to explain how I've been feeling. I have this unsettled restlessness inside me. My mind is always running and my body is extremely tired and achy. After a chemo treatment, you are very quickly tired, and light headed. Then comes the muscle fatigue and aching bones. I am only 31 years old, and this stuff turns you into an 83 year old wilting woman very quickly.

Being the bargain taker I am, I had to ask my oncologist..... What is all of this getting me? Me, my age, my kind of cancer, the treatments I am putting my body through......what are my chances of recurrence?  Dr A, let's call her is this tiny petite Indian American little thing that looks straight out of a JCrew catalog.  I like her because I've always felt like she was going to win this for me. She treated cancer like a bump in the road, and not my eternal path. She quickly answers me, 30% recurrence without treatment and 15% recurrence with chemo treatment.

So that's like a 15% off coupon.

Even though this has been incredibly tough, I know I will get through this. My "coupons" might carry a heavy load right now but will be worth it later.

So, I don't think this was very inspiring still. But I'm fighting. I'm trying.